24, already?
it's 11:17pm, random tent in agafay, morocco, while sam (my cofounder) is working, i'm sitting here trying to write something about my 23rd year of existence.
i'm 24 now. one year away from my mid twenties. becoming an unc already hhhh.
i don't really know where to start.
a lot has happened this year, yet somehow, it feels like nothing happened at all. and it does NOT make sense saraha
i've been thinking about it for a while, and the best way i could describe this year is:
Q1- we're so back. Q2- it's so over. Q3- we're so back. Q4- ???
kinda accurate tbh.
here's a recent story: i got invited to a BIG podcast recently.
when i received the invitation, i genuinely had to go back and check whether it was actually the podcast i thought it was. like, are you sure you want ME there? or did i misunderstand something? impostor syndrom ayjik ayjik no matter what.
then i watched the episode after it came out.
and dude.
i couldn't help but think about how far i've come. alhamdulillah.
i remember being the guy who was afraid of posting something because someone might make fun of it. one hate comment made me stop creating content for a year, before i come back stronger.
i was excited about everything, but also scared of so many things that didn't really matter.
and now i'm watching myself talk about my journey on a podcast.
life is strange. (iykyk)
there was also this completely random trip to new york.
someone announced they were hosting founders for a week. sam got a spot, and somehow i decided i needed to be there too. except i had nowhere to stay.
so i had to figure out how to couchsurf my way through new york, and luckily, a fellow moroccan came to the rescue (a7san whybee o zeta)
all of this just because we wanted to work on ody and ship something.
we met reda (our founding engineer) and taha (our first intern)
what a crazy moment, loved every single second of it.
sometimes i wonder how i end up in these situations.
a few years ago, i probably would've spent weeks thinking about whether something like that was a good idea.
now i just go, and figure things out along the way.
there were other things too. building the startup, meeting people, creating content, seeing my research paper getting cited (waaa how i was happy that day), and having opportunities that younger me would've been ridiculously excited about.
i'm grateful for all of them alhamdulillah.
grateful for my family as well.
but there's something i've been noticing.
the excitement doesn't last very long.
you achieve something, you're happy, you appreciate it, and then you wake up the next day and there's more work to do.
i feel like i have another problem to solve. another thing i haven't figured out. another goal.
i don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that. i love achieving things. i genuinely do.
i love working on something and watching it come to life.
but sometimes you become so accustomed to your own progress that you forget it was once something you dreamed about.
and that kinda sucks.
at some point this year, things felt stagnant.
we were building, working, trying things, but progress wasn't always what we wanted it to be.
we eventually realized how much working together in person helped us. being in the same room, figuring things out, making decisions, shipping.
it brought back some clarity.
but there was also a different kind of stagnation happening in my personal life.
i started realizing things about myself that i'd been overlooking for a long time.
some of my behavior, the way i react to situations, the way i deal with uncertainty, the way i sometimes let anxiety get the better of me.
there's also something i've been thinking about a LOT lately.
for the past 15 days, i've been asking myself so many questions that i never really took the time to answer.
now that things are coming together, i wanted an updated version of answers about: what do i actually want to do with my life? what kind of person do i want to become? and why are there so many things i've wanted to do for YEARS that i still haven't done?
i realized that some of my goals for this year were actually pretty easy to achieve, especially the personal ones.
yet somehow, i never got around to them.
i also made some mistakes that cost me progress i'd spent a long time working towards.
there were things i tried that didn't work out, decisions i probably could've made better, and so many things i thought i'd figured out but clearly hadn't.
and the funny thing is, the more i learn, the more i realize how much i still don't know.
i'm genuinely trying to get better at all of this, but i guess trying alone isn't enough. you actually have to put in the extra work, and i'm totally fine with it, it's never draining as long as it's actually what i deeply care about.
i've been also so focused on work that i kinda forgot there are so many other things i want to do.
i really really just wanted to experience more of life.
i don't regret how i've spent the last few years, though.
especially the last year, i consider it "the happiest period of my life".
i've gotten to do things younger me would've been ridiculously excited about, and i'm grateful for every single one of them. alhamdulillah.
and i feel like there's SO much more wlh.
update: this is october 25th and i'm still refining this and thinking about all of it.
i've got some genuinely crazy goals for this next year. some of them i have absolutely no idea how i'm going to achieve.
and for once, 60% of it are not about work (horray)
i've always been ambitious, but consistency with my personal goals is smtg i'm committed to work on.
i don't know what 24 or 25 has in store for me, but i'm genuinely more excited than i've ever been in a long time.
more ambitious than ever.
the fire and the passion and the grit i'm feeling now is soo soo i can't really explain it haha
hopefully a little more consistent this time.
thank you everyone. genuiely.
we're SO back.
note: i hope everyone reading this gets to experience the strange feeling of realizing that the life you're living right now was once something you desperately wanted.
and when you finally get there, i hope you don't get so used to it that you forget how much it meant to you.
there's nothing wrong with wanting more. just don't let everything you haven't achieved yet make you forget how far you've already come.